I am in Asia. Solo. For the very first time, i have headspace. This time, I didn’t goto Asia because it’s a work trip, which normally, is the only reason I would goto Asia alone. It’s all about work. Sure I see a lot of new things in China, I “source stuff”. That’s what I tell people. But ultimately I am sourcing cheap stuff so the client benefit from it. It’s not in my scope, and I used to just do it for the client so they are happy. For the past two projects, I take a small cut. Because why the fuck not? For an owner, my salary is laughable and non-retire-able. I only got about 10-ish years to grind it out, so while I helped every clients save hundreds of thousands and every friggin staff is getting a raise, why the fuck am I the only one who is not financially growing? Zero. I could give myself a raise, but I am not sure why I don’t. Maybe because i know the company is not really profitable and with that, my conscience won’t allow myself to reap any benefits out of it. Not even a tiny bit to offset inflation. My wife thinks I am stupid that I don’t, but my Virgo principal and my genetically over-responsible-syndrome just guilt-tripped the crap out of myself to not do it.
For the past two years, I am stuck. Stuck in life. Stuck in work. Stuck in personal finance. Stuck in relationship. I won’t get into details but all I can say is everyday is robotically mentally straining. I mean things are moving quite fast, but autonomously. You know when your body just do things on its own because you know the drill so well. But emotionally I reached a point where I have nothing more to give at the end of the day, yet more is demanded of me. It’s not like your cell phone at 1% battery and dies. When I have 1% battery left, it overdrafts to -1% and then -10% and then your body and mind just take a toll. One time when my wife was having a really bad break, she ask me if I know what it feels like to cry but you just can’t? I listened but did not answer. I don’t have the heart to tell her that’s how I feel everyday. It’s a dark secret I keep to myself. I told her these days I don’t know why I actually tear up watching K-drama, not even over some super-tear-jerking scene, just regular emotional scene (which normally you don’t feel anything), and I would teared up. I don’t think she realize what I was tryin to tell her. I have barely cried in the past 50 years. This is me now, emotionally over-drafted, and my body is just acting out.
Anyways, I wanted this post to not be negative, for fucking once. So back to headspace.
For the first time, I took the initiative to detach myself physically and spontaneously, from everything, and booked my tickets to Asia. For 3.5 weeks, the longest I have ever travelled in my life, and solo. The moment I booked my tickets, my mind had an instantaneous mental enlightenment. I felt lighter and I felt relieved. Even though I am still doing the same crap for a while before the trip, everything just seem a bit brighter and easier. There seem to be some kind of hope. The unknown waiting is exciting me?
A few weeks later, I am in HK, in GZ, and going to BKK next. I have a lot on my itinerary, meeting new people, meeting suppliers, meeting friends, but my head is not cluttered. I work out almost everyday, I work, but then i go out and explore. I have a lot more clarity about what I can do next. Opportunities only come when you seek hard, and that’s what I need to do, when I have headspace. With headspace, there is hope. With hope, there is growth. With growth, there is future.
Fuck, I guess I admit, for the first time in a while, I am happy?