So. I turned 50. That’s half a century, it’s supposed to be a big fucking deal. But is it though?
I didn’t have an extravagant celebration, or a trip to Vegas or some $1000 steak with gold foil surrounded by 50 friends. I thought about it but i didn’t. First off, i don’t have that many friends, 2nd off, I don’t want to spend that kind of money; 3rd off, I actually don’t think I have that many friends that care about my birthday.
It’s sad, but it’s also not. It’s sad because what was supposed to be a milestone in life, just felt meh. I felt there is nothing worth celebrating, but everyone is telling me there is. I never know how to feel triumph. I do feel like majority of my life is about giving and serving others, and it’s never enough.
It’s not that I don’t care about myself. I do splurge, I do buy expensive shit, and I do slack. But I really should be selfish, but I don’t know how. I am stuck in a loop.